I know this is rather unheard of, but a bit of stress/emotion is about to be unleashed. I get in one of these "funks" every few months where all I want to do is lay in bed, eat and sleep and watch tv all day. Today is one of them. And probably tomorrow as well. There's a bunch of shit going on that is making me want to lock myself in my room alone and not come out for a week or two. It's not really all one thing, but a combination of a bunch of things weighing on me. Mostly this teaching thing. I enjoy it and all, it's just super stressing me out. Then I come home to no one here, and I'm asleep before anyone else gets here. I need communication with people my own age. Not to mention my cooperating teacher and I have totally different teaching styles, and that makes things interesting. And I'm completely in charge of the 6th grade band now. Well, I have been for a month or so, and that's rough. I love teaching beginners, but patience is a must, and I about snapped today. Then high school band rolled around and nothing...absolutely NOTHING was going how I wanted it to. And I found out that I'm HORRIBLE at error detection. I can tell when something is wrong, but I can't pin point it yet. That frustrates me, alot. That is my number one weakness. On top of all this crazy teaching stuff and finding it difficult to separate "work" from home. I call it "work" because I have to pay to work...what a rip. Then I go straight from school to the restaurant to actually get paid to work, only when it's slow like it was tonight, i sit there and think about all the other shit I have to do before tomorrow morning when my alarm goes off at 5am.
On top of all this there's stress from 'Boro too. My Mom lost her job, and we're down to one income, the engine blew up in my brother's new Jimmy (it's the 4th engine he's blown up in the past 3 or 4 years, all in different cars), and there's pressure from home to find a job because you have loans you'll have to start paying and you'll need helath insurance and the list goes on....
Speaking of jobs...that could be a whole 'nother post. I still haven't sent a resume or cover letter out anywhere yet. Yeah, I'm a little behind, but not too far. The hard part is trying to stay in a certain area (Indy). The best thing I can do is cast a net over the whole country and apply everywhere, hopefully get many offers, then pick a job, hopefully in the target area. The problem is part of me wants to get the hell out of the midwest, and the other part of me wants to stay here. Another thing is the fact that it would be nice to live in the same state and even better, the same city as the better half for the first time in 6 years. I guess this is a bridge I'll cross when I get to it. I just find it hard not knowing where I'll be and what I'll be doing after graduation. I'm one of those people that wants/needs to have everything planned out fairly far in advance. Check back in a couple months, hopefully I'll have an answer to where I'll be and what I'll be doing.
On top of all this, the muffler fell off my car yesterday. I don't mind getting it fixed, it's just inconvenient. I teach 45 minutes away, so taking it during the week is out of the question, and I don't get up early enough on Saturday's to take it. So right now I'm living with my Escort wagon turned ricer. Actually I'm sick of it already, but what's one to do. Especially when I'm so picky about where I take it. I'm tempted to call off work this weekend and take it to the place back home we take all of our cars to. We'll see.
Also, I rediscovered that music isn't really something I enjoy anymore. And it's sad. I enjoy it, but it doesn't mean as much to me as it did 5 years ago. Now it's more like work. If someone is playing Bach, all I hear is the underlying chord progression, and think about what a musical genius he was in his day. I can't just sit back and relax and listen to music. Part of me is always analyzing what is going on, be it key changes, inner voices, chord progressions, etc. I can't turn my brain off and listen like I used to. That makes me sad.
I played my horn yesterday for fun, and it was fun, until I started getting mad at myself for making stupid mistakes. My brain was fried. Diana and I were playing duets and I was messing up simple rhythms, and I couldn't visualize taking something down an octave, I kept reading it in bass clef instead of super low treble. I kept laughing, but what I really wanted to do was give up, throw my horn on the floor and jump on it. It makes me sad that I went from my peak horn playing to absolutely horrible in a matter of months. I've also lost 3 notes in my lower octave and 3 in my high range. I worked SO HARD for those! I wish I had the time or opportunity to play in a community band of some sort. Just so I can play for fun. I also heard the BGSU Wind Symphony rehearsal this past week and my brain melted. It was in tune! There were correct rhythms! No missed accidentals! Good tone quality! I wish I wouldn't have taken all that for granted when I played in that ensemble a year ago. You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone I guess.
Wow this post is long. I also wish for human contact with people my age that I can go hang out and have a beer with, so if you want to drive to BG and help me with that problem, you know how to get ahold of me. I'm hear, and I miss people from 'Boro.
That is all, now I finally get to sleep.....if my brain stops going and going....
Monday, March 06, 2006
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7 comments:
I would love to have a beer up in BG with ya. I would also like the time to go up to BG and have a beer with ya. Sounds like you need one right about now.
Sounds like you need a vacation. Two words, "Euro Trip"
And now I have this to say:
Enjoy that underlying chord progression. Try some different music, some really strange music. If it irritates you that you can't just listen to bach anymore, because all you hear is the math, go find some atonal crap, and when you come back, how much better will the bach be? Perhaps an audiobook, or a recording of some great orator's speeches would give your brain a break from processing music?
Relax, and realize that you're going to make mistakes ALL THE TIME. When you make an error, especially one that affects only yourself, as soon as you're done with the error, it's over. The only way you can possibly have a lasting effect from a simple mistake like this is to not forgive yourself immediately. I suggest spending some time each day breathing deeply and thinking about how great you are. Might help blow some of this negativity right out the window. Maybe a little *gasp* prayer might help too.
And finally, on your job: You're upset because you haven't found a job in the indy area, and yet you haven't sent out a single resume. Sounds like you need to get the horse and the cart back in the proper order. Don't stress out about something that hasn't happened yet, and remember that if you don't ask, you already know the answer. Send out those resumes and see what happens. And don't confine yourself to indy. I'd be really happy if you ended up there (and I have an interview with a company there basically as soon as I want one), but if it just can't work out, we'll deal with it, we always have.
Just don't give up and start dealing with the consequences before you make an attempt. You (and me, and lots of people) waste a lot of energy dealing with the consequences of actions that we never take, and preparing for the outcomes of events that never happen. Is it good to be prepared for the unexpected? Yes, absolutely. Is this one of those times? Absolutely not. I'm thinking you just need someone to come along and say "this isn't one of those times."
Now get back to work.
To cheer you up, some hot girls in pink lingerie:
http://shop.trashy.com/?s=bycollection&collection_id=310&sh=3
Have a drink for me! It'll be an extra for ya! Smile!
I definitely understand about the stresses of school. For me, at least in the beginning (and probably now because I've switched grades) I was uber-stressed all the time. It's also hard because you don't feel like a college student anymore (the schdule of a teaching being completely out of sync of that of a college student), and you don't really feel like a teacher yet either. It's a horrible limbo to be in.
Anyway. I AM coming up to visit you. And we'll have a fun teacher drinking extravaganza!
:)
I totally agree with the horrible limbo feeling.
YAY for visitors! :P
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